You knew all along, didn't you, that dear old Santa wasn't going to leave any kiddies in the lurch. Aging gnomes with ideas above their station and despotic money operations of no proven verity, that was another thing all together! So on with out tale out into the nether reaches of the North Pole, where in an enormous floodlit ice cavern we see and hear .......

"Ding dong merrily on high, I'll give him ding bloody dong!" ; "Eh, what was that Fred? You'll give who what?".
The sight that greets us is of two dwarves, both sweating profusely, surrounded by sacks full of odd shaped objects. One dwarf is standing, hands on hips, looking skywards whilst the other is staring pensively at him. The ice cavern glistens in an electric blue green light, occasional flashes from reflections off of ice stalactites. There is however one stronger beam of light, directly from the ceiling of the vast chasm, and it is towards this that the disgruntled dwarf is staring. Slowly his gaze descends to fall upon his luckless co-worker, who promptly attempts to edge into the darkest recess he can find only to realize that there is none. He gulps.

"Er, what was that you said Fred?", he shuffles his feet several times whilst he is appraised with a, visibly, hot stare. "You know exactly who I'm talking about Joseph, and don't you pretend otherwise". Joseph looks down again, as if to check that his feet are still contiguous to his legs by way of his ankles. "Can't think Fred. Charlie perhaps, is that who you mean?" His, red, cheeks redden even further. Fred takes a stride towards him and as he does so Joseph thinks to himself; "Those Reindeer weren't so bad after all, at least it washed off"; stumbles backwards and lands in a heap of parcels, string, elbows and beard.
Fred watches this impassively, coughs and turns again to look at the ceiling. Just as a lump of ice makes contact with his forehead, at high speed from a great height. There is a sound not unlike that experienced on Pompeii just before the big bang and then Fred drops slowly to his knees. He stays that way for several seconds until the ringing in his ears stops, puts a very large, calloused, hand up and checks his head. He then leans forward and catches Joseph by his tunic front, with not a little beard included, and pulls him to within inches of his own face. Joseph performs an imitation of a reindeer (or at least the ones he now feels inordinately fond of and, indeed, wishes he was with).

"Your lousy, no good, use for nothing brother, that's who I mean Joseph. That pillock who said he knew how to drive a sleigh. You remember? You said he'd had sleigh experience, didn't you Joseph?"
"What I actually said was he'd had Slay experience Fred. He'd been in the war."
"He'd been in nick you mean. We found out yesterday. The only war he'd been in was at Grimble Street nick, when there'd been a supposed break out and he got caught as one of the ring-leaders!"
"Well, it was pretty rough in there and it shows he's got spirit, Fred."
"He was a bleeding warden Joseph. He got nicked because the other staff were convinced he was a plant for the inmates! And why was that Joseph? I'll tell you why, it's cause he was a useless pillock and, what's more, he still is!"
"But Fred, just because he made a couple of innocent mistakes ...."; The large hand tightens its grip upon Joseph's beard and tunic, to the extent that his ears are now pointing forward. Fred, with all the restraint he can muster, manages to speak not scream at Joseph; "The lazy, good for nought, announces that he's off now, to the prison at large, because he's got a date with a drink that can't be kept waiting. Walks to the main gates, opens them and then shoves the keys back through the door panel where 'Lefty the stitch' is standing, waiting for his evening frisk down before lock up! And you have the nerve to say it was an innocent mistake? Or the last time, when he got done, when he was checking out the back wall and tripped over the rope! Remember the rope Joseph? What did your brother do, eh, did he pick the rope up and take it into safe keeping? Well did he? No he bleeding didn't, he sees a bunch of prisoners all looking a bit shy like, seeing as one of them is holding a hook. A bloody great hook, Joseph. And what does he do? He calls them over, tells them to tidy the bloody rope up, then waltzes off for his dinner break. Where do you think the rope and hook were going, eh Joseph? Do you think he might possibly have suspected they had something to do with them prisoners? For the love of all that's holy Joseph, he didn't notice that the lags were in civvies and one of them had his, his own, his very own hat on!"
"But Fred, it was a dwarf hat, there's hundreds of dwarf hats around."
"True Joseph, very true, this being the land of dwarves and all. But the con wearing it wasn't a dwarf was he Joseph? He was a hulking great Yeti, with white hair all over him. Don't you think that would have been a little bit of a hint Joseph? A ruddy great Yeti dressed in a double worsted flipping double breasted, that couldn't be done up, a pair of wellington boots - not dwarf boots mind you - and wearing your brother's own flipping hat!"
"He got confused Fred."
"CONFUSED!! He got six months for dereliction of duty, that's what he got. And we only found out about all this yesterday!". Fred paused, to wipe his brow with Joseph, then continued, "And this is the pillock that you had us hire to drive the sleigh. He's been practicing all week and he still hits the top of this bloody cavern. He doesn't land the thing, he makes a semi controlled crash and then blames the wind shift or some other damn thing. Tonight he's the head logistics man for delivering this lot!". Fred waves his arm, the free one this time to Joseph's relief, around him to emphasize the vast quantity of goods to be dispersed. "And how did we find out eh, Joseph? We found out because over there, also on your recommendation, as head packer and stacker is a bloody great Yeti. Worse, a Yeti with a sense of humour who almost wet himself when he saw your brother come in, after that novel landing in Helsinki, covered in volcanic ash and muttering about jet streams. Took us a day to get the full story out of him, he was laughing so much, gave him his hat back and says thanks Reggie, I won't need that any more!" Fred now pulls himself to his full height and, more impressively, width. With Joseph still held in one hand, he strides towards the main entrance.

Will the presents get delivered? Will Joseph get his beard, head and tunic back? Will Reggie get the sack?

Go to the last page of this thrilling tale, without delay.